I have a little soap box to stand on for a minute. I have never been directly affected by something like this, but have a friend that is struggling with it right now. I thought I was being supportive by going with him to court the other day.....just to be there for him, on his side.
A friend from way back has been struggling with this same problem for quite awhile. He has a blog and really has done some major research. I contacted him thinking he would be a mentor for my friend. Little did I know, I am not doing what I can for him. Chris pointed out to me that I am the only one that can help him. I know I'm not the "only" one, but as a woman and a mom, I have a huge voice in domestic battles when children are involved.
My friend has a restraining order against him and he has not seen his children since before Christmas. The reason behind the order is that he is unfit and unstable. I have known him for 20 years and have never known him to be unstable. Granted, I have never been in their household and she may bring something out in him that I've never seen. There was an incident with his youngest child where he felt like his son could be in danger. He pointed this out to his ex-wife and that's when the restraining order was put into effect. The problem is she is the ones that put him in harms way! Why is my friend being punished? I know that there are two sides to every story. I know that he may not tell me exactly what he says or all the details. I do know him and as a matter of fact, I know her very well. I know that he is the kindest and most generous and respectful man I have ever known. He always puts others before him.....always.
I contacted Chris in an email and asked advice for my friend.....I put too much personal information in my email to him, but here is his response. I want to stand up and bring this to the attention of everyone that I can.
Hello Lucy,
The answer is so very simple.
Look in the mirror.
YOU are the answer for him and his children.
YOU are more help than I can be.
Why?
Because it is your own gender, as your story describes, that is doing this to their own children and their childrens father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, lifelong friends.
The mother gives all mothers a bad name.
Sound familiar?
Yes, but usually only toward dads.
When ALL dads are lumped in one basket as deadbeats, I am the one to speak up for them because I am NOT a deadbeat and neither, according to your knowledge, is this dad.
YOU are a woman.
YOU can speak out against other women doing as you have described.
YOU will have a greater chance of being heard by the lawyers, judges, counselors, legislators, domestic violence coalition, DHR, and so forth.
Society, and yes YOU make up society, has been far too accepting to label dads as worthless, unecessary, deadbeats, etc....
There is a quote:
For evil to succeed all it needs is for good people to do nothing.
Well, there are far to many of YOU good people doing nothing which permits the evil this woman is doing to succeed.
And now let me bring it home to your own family.
The stats and research prove you, or your children, will have a 50% or greater chance of divorce. The unwed birth rate is now grown to 40%.
So while you and your spouse may survive these stats, that does not assure your children will when they grow up and marry.
Now, think a few years down the road.
Would you like to have a relationship with your grandchildren?
You won't have an opportunity to be with your grandkids if your children marry a spouse that resembles the mother in your story.
Not only is this father being denied his rights to his kids, his kids are being denied their rights AND NEEDS to be cared for by both parents, grandma and grandpa, etc.....
Every one of you that think these family rights, courts, divorce, domestic violence, etc.. issues have no impact on your life are so wrong it is ridiculous.
Help this dad, and his kids, and others, by getting involved while you still have your family intact and also in order to prevent this mess from happening to your kids and you later on in life.
You obviously care enough to reach out to me to help this dad if I can.
But do you care enough to do what YOU can to help this dad, his kids, his entire family and in all truth, even yours?
This is not a "pick on Lucy" email.
I pray it is an eye opener for you and that so many others need as well.
What is happening to this dad and his children happens EVERY DAY to people you don't know.
Hope is not action.
Hope is a wish.
In order for "hope" to become real, it must be preceded by someone doing something to make it come true.
As a woman, do you even recognize that not very long ago, you were thought of as BENEATH men? You were not thought to have the intelligence to vote. This was once the LAW.
People before you ever existed fought for you even though they did not know you.
And now you enjoy rights and privileges those women before you did not.
This same simple concept applies to blacks/civil rights movement.
People were hung, beaten, raped, murdered, in fighting to be able to sit at the same lunch counter as you and I, to drink from the same water fountain, to go to the same schools.
I cannot imagine being told I can't hang out with my black friends yet this was just a few decades back that it was the LAW of America and Alabama.
This same concept applies to handicap people wanting equal access to public buildings. Handicap folks were denied equal treatment as those without handicaps. Someone fought for them and now they can access the library, courthouse, etc...!
This same concept applies to people with mental illness as they once were just locked away as prisoners without treatment and abused and profited from. Until someone fought for them to free them from this tragic treatment, they were abused.
It is not illegal to have a mental illness.
These people are to be treated with care and kindness.
Unless they are a danger to others or themselves, they are to be allowed to live as freely as they can.
In reverse, I am a white male. I have never been denied right to vote or go where ever I want.
Until the past 40 years, I am now experiencing what those other groups did. As a man, as a father, our rights are being violated and our childrens rights are too.
We need more people like you - mothers - who speak against what this mother is doing to this dad, even her own kids, and even making you look bad in the process.
None of us support an unfit or deadbeat parent.
But we ALL need to do more to support the good parents and expose the bad ones for their tragic actions toward their own kids and the other parent/extended family.
Chris
Now....where do I go from here????
